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Multi-tasking or MULTI-MANAGEMENT

February 8th, 2011 by admin

I recently heard an article on the radio about some recent research that confirms that men are just as good at multi-tasking as women it’s just that they choose to avoid doing so through claiming they ‘can’t’. Women have taken the label of being ‘better multi-taskers’ as being complimentary, as a positive role they can fulfil, not taking into account that, of course, many men ‘look down’ on multi-tasking precisely because they ‘can’t’ do it !

Research shows that men and women have both evolved to focus on one thing at a time and that the more we multi-task, the more stressed/anxious we become and the less effective we are across the board, even at multi-tasking! You Tube has some great videos that demonstrate this research – too many to list here but ‘The Myth of Multi-tasking’ brings them up.

Following on from this I have read that more and more women are going to their GPs feeling very low and ‘not coping’ and are being diagnosed as being depressed. An enlightened specialist has found that in fact the majority of these women are actually suffering from anxiety and fear of being unable to cope, which can then lead to depression.

Their anxiety appears to be rooted in the fact that they actually have too much to do, too many people dependent on them and not enough resources, financial and/or social/structural, to manage effectively. The biggest issue is that they interpret their symptoms as meaning there is something wrong with them – after all they are meant to be good at multi-tasking!

The fact is, generally speaking, women are, without a shadow of a doubt required, for whatever reason, to get good at functioning in lots of different roles at lots of different levels. You can call this multi-tasking but I prefer multi-managing.

The keys to being a successful multi-manager are:

  • Take control. Be more self-aware. Learn to be still.
  • Train yourself to focus on one thing at a time. Turn of Blackberries and phones.
  • Be organised: think in an orderly fashion. Prioritise. Use diaries, lists and reminder notes.
  • Dare to say ‘no’ according to what really matters. Ask ‘do I need to do this?
  • Value who you are, your skills and your choices.
  • Increase your knowledge base.

If you are feeling too weak or stuck to do these it does not necessarily mean you are suffering from depression – you just need some support and motivation! Life Coaching is really effective (though I say it myself!). For more info. click on ‘Coaching Defined’.

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Re-assurance

January 19th, 2011 by Penny

At least 15 years ago, when I first read Jenny Joseph’s poem Warning, I remember feeling: ‘Yeah, then I’ll rebel and do what I want to do, when I am old’!!

This was in my ‘deepest motherhood, no money’ period, when I felt very taken for granted and had, what seemed like, few rights of expression or validation, however hard I worked. I was very resentful!

I’d also forgotten that becoming a mother (with no money), had been my choice as much as anyone else’s! (don’t worry, I eventually learnt how to express what I was feeling, took responsibility and got my needs met).

Now I’m a bit older  (not ‘old’ though – yet!), I feel quite differently and I’ve written a response to Jenny Joseph’s poem.

My poem: Re-assurance

When I’m an old woman I don’t want to wear purple!

I don’t like it now and I don’t think I’ll change.

It reminds me of faded, Victorian, fringed tablecloths,
musty interiors, dark and quite strange.

Why, when I’m old, should I buck my own values,
my tastes honed and tested, evolved over time?

I am what I am due to trying and refining.

With experience to guide me, I’ll be in my prime!

I won’t want to rebel against social propriety,
Minimal ‘sausage-eating’ or ‘no reading at meals’!

I won’t need to make up for a lifetime of piety
So I won’t have to practice things I don’t actually feel!

Penny Budgen

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The Christmas ‘Crunch’. When it’s all too much!

December 3rd, 2010 by Penny

What to do to make things better for YOU!

Well! Christmas. Some adore it and others hate it. Some don’t do it at all. Some have other celebrations. Whatever happens in your family and household the trick is to decide to ‘own’ it. That is to say resist doing the ‘victim’ thing:

‘poor me, I hate all this, no-one ever appreciates what I do and I’m the only one that makes everything happen!’

Factually this may all seem true BUT investing in it negatively can only make you more miserable! Negativity CAN only breed negativity.

So, instead, replace your negative self-talk with something more empowering. For example:

‘ It might be true that I feel taken for granted AND that’s my choice. I could always tell people in plenty of time which bits I’m prepared to do and ask others what they would like to do. It might also be true that I feel like I do all the work at Christmas AND that’s my choice. I could always start fixing things to happen differently before hand.’

Also asking ourselves the following kind of question can challenge old habits:

‘Is it true that I ‘HAVE’ to do everything because if I don’t other people will make me feel guilty or negative if I complain?’

What if you didn’t complain. What if you simply expressed yourself assertively and clearly stating the evidence and saying how much you’d appreciate more help?

Having recently shared a ‘one-off’ 20 minute session with a client on just these issues I asked her if she’d mind if I published a version of it to illustrate the benefits of being coached on this. She kindly agreed and here it is (names changed for confidentiality).

It’s quite long (although only 15/20 minutes in real time) but well worth the read!

‘Laser’ coaching session with Sue November 2010

Coach: Hello Sue. How’s everything going?

Sue: Oh, great really.

Coach: Smiles

Sue: Well not everything actually. I just need to sort out a few things but something’s stopping me.

Coach: What’s happening that tells you you’ve got an issue?

Sue: Well I’m feeling crap. Work’s chaotic but that’s because we’ve got a new manager and she doesn’t seem to know what’s what. It’s a really stupid time for a new person to start, Christmas. But I guess they had no choice as Clare the last manager just walked out!

Coach: Your work life’s really frustrating and it sounds like you feel there’s not a lot you can do about it at the moment?

Sue: Yes that’s it but I think it’s more about everything. I can’t focus on one thing at a time ‘cos there just are so many things! Christmas looks like it’ll be a nightmare again and it shouldn’t be – I love Christmas! I make everything really nice for everyone. I do the cards, the pressies, the tree and the decorations and all the cooking (except this year I’m going to get a stuffed turkey breast from Sainsbury’s!!). I do all the arranging who’s doing what, where and when. I try so hard to make it all work and get everyone happy but they just never are!  I end up feeling tired out. Then they make me feel bad cos I’m grumpy!

Coach: So you try so hard to make Christmas how it should be for you but you reckon it won’t work out again. What do you really want to focus on today?

Sue: Christmas!!  I want a better Christmas.

Coach: When was the last time it worked for you?

Sue: Actually it sounds cruel but when Gran died everyone rallied round. People didn’t stick their heals in about what they wanted so much. They seemed to care about each other more. The kids particularly seem so selfish at the moment and I really didn’t bring them up to be like that! I s’pose it’s just like everything today, so spoilt and selfish when we’ve all got so much !

Coach: Just to clarify you’re saying that when your Gran died people were nicer to each other and helped with what needed doing. What made the difference do you think?

Sue: Well it guess everyone somehow knew that when someone is grieving you need to be careful and sensitive to their needs and feelings and, because that applied to all of us, it happened all round.

Coach: (smiling) Not wanting to imply anything (!) what could you take from that time that worked for you and apply it to this Christmas?

Sue: (laughing) Well I wouldn’t want anyone to die but it needs something to happen to get everyone to pull together.

Coach: What sort of thing could that be?

Sue: (still smiling) Well I suppose I could tell everyone where I’m coming from! But I don’t reckon they’d really care! I’ve done everything for so many years keeping my feelings hidden (crying in the bathroom and stuff) in case I’m let down. When I’ve tried to tell Chris he’s been caring enough and offers to help but he just never follows through for me. I know he loves me but he isn’t the sort of person that knows how important it is to show it to me. He works so hard I feel bad asking him. He makes me feel guilty. I should be able to cope. I’m strong!!!

Coach: So it’s very important to you to be strong?

Sue: Yes. Or I feel I’m letting the side down. It’s my role. Oh…….. I see what you’re getting at. Being ‘strong’ means I take all the burdens even when I don’t want to! I see!! And then I moan about it!

Coach: What could you do differently?

Sue: (smiling knowingly) Well I could stop telling myself that ‘carrying everything means I’m strong’. It’s not working for me! Where did I get this idea from?  Anyway – instead I could say ‘sticking up for my right for help and consideration’ might make me feel stronger!

Coach: Where did you start believing that your strength as a person lay in carrying everything and that asking for help would make you feel weak?

Sue: I guess from when I was younger and never got the help I needed. I didn’t know what to ask for really. So better not to try than be let down. Had to believe in my own resources.

Coach: What else could you do to make Christmas better for you?

Sue: I could tell myself I’m worth risking people’s wrath and identify what I want them to do and just ask them! Not to be frightened if it’s tricky. I know I can find a way if I really want to. That’s actually my strength! Except do it for me!

Coach: How much do you want this Sue?

Sue: Oh loads cos’ otherwise I’m just not going to cope!

Coach: And coping is very important to you.

Sue: Yup. I hate feeling out of control.

Coach: Right. How and when are you going to do this.

Sue: Now! I’m going to make a list then work out the best way and when to speak to people. This is the best thing for me.  I’ve got it now!! Thanks Penny.

Coach: It’s really down to you. As you said your real strength is finding ways through things. Have you got what you wanted? You’ve really cracked it by the sound of it. Well done!!

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Autumn Flapjacks

November 25th, 2010 by Penny

A nice recipe to warm the cockles!

I love flapjacks. You can make them really thick and fat and gooey, or thin and crispy. You can add different bits to make them extra soft or crunchy. Here is my version for this time of year. They taste like crunchy, nutty, toffee apples. Yum!

  • 125g Lurpack unsalted spreadable butter
  • 120 ml clear honey
  • 50g dark brown muscovado, soft sugar
  • 25og whole oats (or rolled will do)

A good handful of roasted and crushed hazlenuts

1 grated apple with skin

Slowly melt the butter with the honey and sugar in a largish pan. When it begins to bubble, take it off the heat. Stir in the oats nuts and apple (grate this straight into the mixture).

Scrape this into a buttered, shallow rectangular tin (18 x 28 cm roughly) and smooth it over with a flat knife (wet this first if the mixture insists on sticking to it). If you want thinner ‘biscuitier’ flapjacks, use a slightly bigger tin.

Bake in a warm oven (180 degrees C), gas mark 4 for around 30 mins. Check at 20 mins. It needs to look well browned but can be browner around the edges if you want it to be crunchier. Carrying cooking according to how you want them – or not.

Cool in the tin for a few minutes. First run a knife around the edges then cut into fingers or squares (your preference). Cool completely before removing from the tin. You can eat them before this of course!

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Hope You Like This. . .

November 16th, 2010 by Penny

‘Ms Nature’ by Hollie McNish ft Zanya Daze / production Toe

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On keeping a disagreement from becoming an argument

November 5th, 2010 by Penny

1. Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got. Janis Joplin

2.I found re-reading and acting on the following very useful recently. Pass it on.

On keeping a disagreement from becoming an argument:

Welcome the disagreement. Remember the slogan: ‘When two partners always agree, one of them is not necessary’

Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to check something before you make a serious mistake.

Distrust your first instinctive impression . Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.

Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes them angry.

Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding not higher barriers of misunderstanding.

Look for areas of agreement. When you’ve heard your opponent’s view, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.

Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologise for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponent and reduce defensiveness.

Promise to think over your opponent’s ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponent may be right. It is a lot easier at this stage to agree to think about their points than to move rapidly ahead and find yourself in a position where your opponent can say: ‘I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen’.

Thank your opponent sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help and you may turn your opponents into friends.

Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Suggest that a new meeting be held later that day or the next, when all the facts may be brought to bear. In preparation for this meeting ask yourself some hard questions:

Could they be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem or will it just relieve frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponent further away or draw them closer? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?

After 50 years of marriage, Jan Peerce (opera singer) once said “My wife and I made a pact a long time ago and we’ve kept it no matter how angry we’ve got with each other. When one shouts, the other should listen – because when two people shout there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations”

Taken from Dale Carnegie’s How to win friends and influence people (1936)

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Engage Brain

October 27th, 2010 by Penny

Written by one of my clients I thought this should be shared (with her permission of course).

If a change is as good as a rest
Then why does it feel like a test
When the wind changes
I’ve guns on all ranges
Looking out for what’s coming next !

But – if a rest is as good as a change
Though it does seem a bit strange
I sit back and relax
Let my brain work its max
Then horizons appear re-arranged !

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Group Coaching Event 20/10/2010

October 21st, 2010 by Penny

Thanks to everyone who donated. We’ve collected a really substantial sum!
Next event will be in January 2011. Check this blog for details. Please book if you can.
p.s Thanks Laura for the hot, homemade mushroom soup! If you let me have the recipe I can post it here for other people’s delight!

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Viking Pastry – message for KR (she knows who she is!)

October 21st, 2010 by Penny

This is a quick reference to my recent post on Steak and Ale Pie. I am reliably informed that a squeeze of lemon to the cold water added to the pastry to bind it, makes all the difference. It’s also good in hot water with a slice or tot (whisky etc)—excellent creature comfort drink.

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Village Business

October 21st, 2010 by Penny

There seems to be a general view (media etc) that village life and community spirit in 2010 is dying, across the land. The assumption is that if your school closes and/or your village post office ceases to trade, or your village pub turns into a gastronomic enterprise, people stop talking to each other and hide under the bed, moaning about their lot.

If our village is anything to go by this is not actually the case. The closure of the school meant that residents now have more educational and relationship options in neighbouring villages. This can really only be a good thing. The pub issue meant that people started using other pubs more, which is good for their trade and broadens horizons. The old pub is now a thriving top class eatery: The White Hart, Fyfield, OXON (Michelin and AA rated). Perhaps I won’t mention the post office’s demise because that is still sorely missed, although regular visits to the next village’s excellently run establishment allows me to check out a different stock selection and drop into my friends for a coffee (when I have time).

We are a small village, yet within our community we have huge and varied expertise: high spec, second hand cars, carpentry, landscape gardening, floristry, vegetable growing, meat production, free range eggs, local history, charitable trusts, teaching, social work, construction, the Criminal Justice System, catering, events management, authors, stone masonry, marble cutting, life coaching, merchant banking, equine chiropractice, history of art, publishing, building regulations and planning………… the list is extensive and help is always at hand.

Clearly the reason for people’s success lies in their capacity to tap into the extended market and facilities outside the village, not least in cyberspace! So why does current wisdom paint a picture of mourning for the spirit of past times?

As I sit at my kitchen table I am conscious first of my nearest neighbours on all sides. One is hanging out her washing before she starts on her garden. Another has just gone to the shed to collect some tool or other. No I’m not looking out of the window, I’m drawing on past images in my mind’s eye. Another has just driven into the drive having dropped the kids off at school. Another has just walked by with her dog. I saw that out of my open kitchen window! The postman has just delivered the post through the same window with a cheery smile and a ‘hello Penny, lovely day’. Our dog Toby has just been returned (again) by another neighbour whom he has decided is part the family and we discussed what I’m going to have to do to fix the gate post, which is so wobbly it may as well not be there at all.  I am listing connections, mentally conjured up and real. I am choosing to represent my environment as being connected – to myself. It’s what I want to believe. I am surrounded by friends who are within a stones throw away, over the garden wall, and to whom I could chat, pretty much at any time, if I want or need to. It’s my choice.

I do not choose to see myself as isolated, although in fact I am alone at my kitchen table! I do not choose to construct our village as lacking because I have to travel further to get at community facilities. It’s great and we are connected. So the ‘death of communities’ phenomenon is simply an attitude of mind. Change that and we’ll get our communities back!

Oh, and by the way, a new business venture is being launched tonight in the village. I’m going along to enjoy it. It’s called Dots and Daisies: Stylish gifts and home furnishings. ML whose enterprise this is also offers to bring her wares to homes and businesses with 20% discount for hosts.

Check out the website at www.dotsanddaisies.co.uk

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